I recognize I write a lot about my static upbringing, and I almost feel bad about it considering silent for long. To me it comes off like bitching, like I’m looking for some type of reward or I want people to feel bad for me.
Let me be the first to tell you, I don’t. Seriously, I don’t. Considering my mother is dead, I’m not trying to point the finger at this invisible person telling her she screwed up without being there to defend herself, and in all honesty I’ve tried to portray her in the most unbiased way possible.
I’m also not the type of person that allows death to glorify a person either. Did they mean a lot to you? Absolutely but they were human and being human you do a lot of messy things, and not matter the intention, sometimes the hurt they cause surpasses the grief caused by them dying. Hell, maybe the death even emphasizes it.
With all that said, this is really helping me heal. An entry I published here was featured on Thought Catalog recently. Since writing it, I haven’t thought about that day I referenced, whereas I used to think about it every time I even heard the word “divorce.” It’s helping me heal in a way that talking about it with my mom never did. I stop being that scared little girl every time I take my fingers to the keys and force those rough years out of me-like how your body sometimes regurgitates the a virus when you’re sick.. sort of.
What I want people to walk away from when they read my writing is that, we are not invincible. We are all scared little people on the inside and many of us have been through some pretty terrifying things. It is not what we are given, but what we do with it.
I was given a choice a while ago- to let my past conquer me, or be brave and let it fuel me. I chose to be brave, and as a result was rewarded with strength. Yeah, maybe that strength has made me a little rough around the edges, but only initially I promise. I can assure you, I’ve kept my sweetness. My proof of this is that I am by no means bitter. I recognize the world doesn’t owe me anything, but I want to give it something it couldn’t give me when I was younger-peace of mind with a deep understanding that somehow, someway it will all be fine.
We are all catalysts in our own goodness, despite the hand we were dealt. Remember that.
-Jess Krista Merighi