I recognize that a personal resolution can start anytime, any day and that often people put way to much into New Year’s resolutions.
That aside, I noticed something recently that I wasn’t aware of before-
I’m actually quite mean to myself. In fact, I’m so mean that if Internal Jess were a separate person, External Jess wouldn’t even want to be in the same room with her, never mind be her friend.
For example, last night I got home from work and felt so exhausted so I cooked dinner and promptly went to bed.I was literally asleep by 9:30. When I woke up, I felt comfortable and well rested.
Now most people would say, “Good for you-getting the sleep you obviously needed!” Not me. My first thought waking up this morning was, “You lazy ass! You didn’t write last night. If you want to be a writer, you need to write EVERY DAY, even if you’re tired!”
That’s a small example. Lately I’ve been overcome with this internal anxiety about who I am and how to be. I hate to say it, but I’m very easily affected about what people say about me personally. From, “You’re hard to love because you’re independent” to “You’re kind of needy,” I’ve heard so many opposing opinions of me from other people, none of which fit anything close to how I see myself. The worst part of it all is I’m starting to listen.
I ask myself,
“What if I am too needy, independent, hard, soft, difficult to love?”
What I should be asking is,
“WHY DO YOU TALK TO PEOPLE THAT THINK IT’S OK TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO YOU?!?”
So my resolution (that just so happens to be around New Years) is to be nicer, gentler, and kinder to myself. That’s the big one. Maybe I won’t celebrate myself every single each step I take, but I will do my damnedest to make that negative mental voice pipe the fuck down. If I need rest, I will take it, even if it means sacrificing a night of writing. If the external negative is too overwhelming, I’ll cut as much of it out as I possibly can.
I will remind myself on the regular that I am enough, and while I am consistently working to improve myself, in this moment, I am good just as I am-independence, neediness, softness, hardness, and all.