Saying Sorry

I apologize for everything. I apologize when someone bumps into me on the train, and when I don’t live up to my impossibly high standards of myself. I apologize for taking what I feel is too long in the checkout line to find my debit card. I’ve apologized to customer service reps, simply for calling.

I apologize for my feelings A LOT. I apologize because at the core of it, I feel like my existence is somehow a burden even to strangers. I have no idea really why I do this or feel this way. I do know that I’m over it.

I recently confessed to an acquaintance that I had a bit of a crush on him. While they were flattered, it wasn’t reciprocated. The good news about this interaction is that I didn’t beat myself up over it. OK, he’s not into it-that’s fine. I’ll get over it. It’ll be awkward for  maybe a day or two and then it will be like the conversation never happened.  I was hanging out with my roommate when I decided, you know what-maybe I”ll text him just to say I’m sorry.

“Why?” She asked.
“Well he’s not into it and I probably bothered him.” I replied.
“So..you were honest.”

The thing is, no one should ever have to apologize for how they feel provided it’s authentic.

Part of my personal development has been to stop saying sorry for things that I shouldn’t be sorry for.

I shouldn’t be sorry if someone doesn’t like my short hair or thinks being sensitive is the worst trait someone could have. I’m not sorry that they find my sense of humor to be masculine or if they think yoga is for hippies and bored housewives. I’m definitely not sorry if you hate my Boston Bruins especially in a recently rivaled city.

The next step for me is to not apologize for my feelings.
I’m not sorry for feeling disappointed that my dad won’t commit to a weekend to come visit me or that everything that’s been going on lately has been pretty overwhelming for me. I’m not sorry that I I have a crush on someone who doesn’t like me back. I’m not sorry that I can’t mesh with someone who on paper is perfect for me. I’m not sorry that I find dysfunction without reason to be the most annoying thing on this planet. I’m not sorry that I feel like the fear of falling in love is the biggest cop out ever, or that calling me strong when I’m crying sounds a lot like negating my feelings.

And yes, maybe I need to get better at expressing all this effectively, but I figure writing it out is a good start.

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