Top 5 People/Things That Really Need to Slow Their Roll This Week

In attempt to break up the monotony of an otherwise serious blog, I’ve decided to to write humor on a weekly basis. Snaps for me! What you are about to read is the first installment of a segment I am calling, “Slow Your Roll.”
Urban Dictionary defines  “slow your roll” as the following:

“Term used to inform a homie that he’s getting outta control and he might want to shut the hell up before he gets beat the hell up.
‘Yo dawg, you better slow your roll fool.'”

Below I’ve included current a list of the Top 5 People/ Things That Really Need to Slow Their Roll

5. The Bro I Saw Wearing Flip Flops and Cargo Shorts, and a T-Shirt in Wicker Park Last Night

On one hand I get you. In the sea of black jackets, scarves, and boots, you stick out like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. On the other hand, it’s 40 fucking degrees outside. Are you really just that much of a hot body, or do you have some type of agenda? Did you manage to break the basic/badass bitch dude continuum by being so basic you were almost hipster? Am I requesting you to slow your roll based on how uncomfortably confused I am? Am I thinking way too much? WAS THAT YOUR PURPOSE BRO?!

4. Lena Dunham

It’s really cool that you promote feminism and body acceptance, and yes you are talented, but the mere title of your new book makes me what to go back in time to every time I’ve said “I’m not like other girls” and punch myself in the face. The soft undertones of humble brag underneath 75% of what you say is trite. While you’re opinions are more or less valid, you are hardly the voice of our generation. In fact, if you are I would rather be deaf. Please don’t learn sign language.

That might have been a little too mean. Lena, keep moving, but please just slow your roll.

3. Hockey Fans That Think the Season is Over After Their Team Lost ONE GAME

you-must-be-new-here-willy-wonka

Put on some Celine Dion, grab a Kleenex, and slow your roll.

2. Christmas

Christmas, you are by far the worst holiday. You promote this 1950’s secular version of family that doesn’t exist to 80% of the population, and our country’s capitalism at the exact same time. I feel like if the whole Christ thing happened, and we really are trying to celebrate his birthday, this would be the exact opposite of what he would want. All that said, I saw Christmas decorations in a store amidst my travels this week.

IT ISN’T EVEN COLUMBUS DAY. SLOW YOUR GODDAMN ROLL CHRISTMAS, LITERALLY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

1. People Who are Planning on “Fighting” the Supreme Court’s Appeal on the Gay Marriage Ban

Okay, I get that you guys think two people of the same sex bumping uglies is icky, but we’re not in middle school anymore and you all need to get over it.  I mean, it’s cool that you think your bigotry is so crucial to the fabric of American Society, that not only do you want decrease the emotional quality of life for people you don’t even know, but you want to fight for it. Who the hell do you think you are? More importantly, how do you think this is going to benefit anyone or anything other than your own personal false sense of security.

Not only do you assholes need to slow your roll, but you need to come to a complete stop, and either check your privilege, or move at the speed of light into oncoming traffic.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Top 5 People/Things That Really Need to Slow Their Roll This Week

  1. I stumbled on your site late last night and have been reading all morning. I love your honest, dry humor and am really glad I found a writer who I can do closely identify with. I, too, am a 20 something year old girl braving the blue line and surviving the north side with my cat and ramen, all while trying to figure out my messy sea of relationships and

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s