Sunrise

It’s the most peaceful moment when you figure out you’re capable. I’ve gratefully had a few moments like that.  I’m either faced with a tough truth that I can actually swallow, or I actually rub the morning off my eyes hard enough to see what’s actually in front of me. In this particular situation it was the former, though I felt this moment coming internally for quite a long time. My roommate and I were walking up the back stairs to our apartment and I am trying to justify not completely blocking the most recent ex thing on social media.

“He’s with someone else, Jess. You don’t owe him anything.”

At the top of the steps, I stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and looked at the sky. The October air was crisp and the clouds looked like veils, only guarding the moonlight slightly. She was right, but I wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, I wasn’t even bothered by the fact that I was still hurt enough by the whole ordeal to want to omit him from my life completely. Once in our kitchen, I pushed the appropriate buttons and and made peace with his exit sign.

***
I haven’t felt purely my own energy in a really long time. I haven’t felt this sense of duty that wasn’t backed by some unsolicited anxiety. Upon waking up yesterday morning, I moved my toes like they were swimming below my sheets and allowed my arms to stretch as far as I could reach them. My lungs felt clean. I took my time getting out of bed. I allowed myself to feel like what I felt like. I felt the hair on my head and the creases on my hands. I felt the clothes on my skin and my contacts attach to my eyes. I looked at my face in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth, and while I’m not sure I felt love, I felt like I was back into my own body. I’ve been attaching myself to things other than me and it felt good to not to this time.
***
The kitten is peaking over my computer as I write this. The sunlight is seeping through the windows of the living room. I think something is starting though I am not sure what it is. I know this is the best I’ve felt in this city since I got here. I feel it in my bones.

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