It’s the most peaceful moment when you figure out you’re capable. I’ve gratefully had a few moments like that. I’m either faced with a tough truth that I can actually swallow, or I actually rub the morning off my eyes hard enough to see what’s actually in front of me. In this particular situation it was the former, though I felt this moment coming internally for quite a long time. My roommate and I were walking up the back stairs to our apartment and I am trying to justify not completely blocking the most recent ex thing on social media.
“He’s with someone else, Jess. You don’t owe him anything.”
At the top of the steps, I stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and looked at the sky. The October air was crisp and the clouds looked like veils, only guarding the moonlight slightly. She was right, but I wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, I wasn’t even bothered by the fact that I was still hurt enough by the whole ordeal to want to omit him from my life completely. Once in our kitchen, I pushed the appropriate buttons and and made peace with his exit sign.
I haven’t felt purely my own energy in a really long time. I haven’t felt this sense of duty that wasn’t backed by some unsolicited anxiety. Upon waking up yesterday morning, I moved my toes like they were swimming below my sheets and allowed my arms to stretch as far as I could reach them. My lungs felt clean. I took my time getting out of bed. I allowed myself to feel like what I felt like. I felt the hair on my head and the creases on my hands. I felt the clothes on my skin and my contacts attach to my eyes. I looked at my face in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth, and while I’m not sure I felt love, I felt like I was back into my own body. I’ve been attaching myself to things other than me and it felt good to not to this time.
The kitten is peaking over my computer as I write this. The sunlight is seeping through the windows of the living room. I think something is starting though I am not sure what it is. I know this is the best I’ve felt in this city since I got here. I feel it in my bones.