“Do I remember all the pieces of chocolate I’ve had?” I think as I look at Chris seated across from me. He’s holding me with his eyes, but he knows the deal. I told him I’ve been spending time with a guy, but he’s yet to understand what that means.
For the record, I’m not sure what that means either, but I know there’s something cosmic going on here.
I know the vibe I give out where I am overly aware a man is one of many to me. I know I dot my t’s and cross my i’s. I know it cheapens things- to have many, to take a few at once and pick your favorite. To some, that’s called “playing the field,” but lately that’s been exhausting. I know most men aren’t worth my intention, but when I meet someone who could be, I feel like more is at stake.
When I look at Chris I ask myself if the temporary sweet is worth the long term sour. I think that if I have to ask myself that question, the answer is probably no. Even if the talk between me and the other hasn’t happened, I know part of me would be incredibly unhappy if this other had some of someone else. Regardless of how it turns out, I would almost rather keep myself honest for the sake of my own sanity.
So I decline. When I walk away I don’t feel empowered, only that things are just as they should be.